T.O. Facts
T.O. does not know everything. But he knows he is better than you. *T.O. middle name is period. *T.O. once cut himself to see how much he would bleed. He was throughly disappointed. *T.O. is lonely. Do not tell him Knock Knock jokes. *T.O. does not like Ike. *T.O. put the "to" in "Lobotomy" *T.O. introduced Mrs. McNab to Chunky Soup. *T.O. once caught a baby thrown from a burning building. He then spiked it and did the dirty bird. *T.O. signed his mothers womb. *T.O. chooses to ignore "I before E except after C" *T.O. doesnt wish upon a star, he wishes upon himself. And his wishes always come true. *T.O. isnt selfish. You are just ignorant. *T.O. beat "Taggin' Dragons". *God didnt spare our friends lives. T.O. did. *T.O. never sees his shadow *T.O. hates the dictionary. All because T.O. is not one of the listed synonms for "God" *T.O. will never reach his peak, he will always get better *T.O. fully understands all Emo kids. *Noone will ever understand T.O. No one has that kind of mental capacity. *T.O. leaked the Paris Hilton sex tape in retailiation for Paris' lack of willingness to return T.O.'s SNES. *T.O. does not need to cover his TPS reports. *T.O. is infuriated that Tom refuses to put him in his top 8. *T.O. has no friends. Only followers. *T.O. wrinkled crag. Strikes tonight. *T.O. is confidant that his smile is better then the mona lisa's. *T.O. knows what you did last summer. And he is disgruntled that it didnt involve building a T.O. shrine. *T.O. wakes himself up when September Ends. *T.O. strongly believes that Teddy Roosevelt referenced him when he said "Im fit as a bull moose" *Ash wants to be the very best, like noone ever was. Too bad. T.O. is the best, and noone can ever be bike T.O. *T.O. invented the acronym. *T.O. will survive make his time. Regardless of what you do. *T.O. has "got time to bleed", but chooses not to. *T.O. only plays football becuase jesus would get mad if T.O. took away all of his followers and started his own religion *T.O. doesnt need the rest of a football team to win *T.O. can only write 2 letters... *T.O. sweats gatorade, but he drinks sweat. *T.O. is better then superman, he doesnt need x-ray vision to know what u look like naked. *T.O. would rather leave Waldo lost. *T.O. can drink the water in merexico. *T.O. really doesnt bike Dmitri Mendeleeve *T.O. doesnt get more from T-mobile *T.O. killed the parrot in the famous monty python skit. *T.O. framed Roger Rabbit *So a Rabbi, a Nun and T.O. walked into a bar. Whatever you say next will be funny. *The only black hole T.O. believes in is his anus. *T.O. doesnt have children. Only Minions. *Tom Cruise is not alone. T.O. is a certified Scientologist. *Tupac is standing in T.O.'s shadow. *T.O. killed Missy Elliot. There was much rejoicing. *Notorious B.I.G was only notorious because T.O. allowed him to. *The KKK is down with T.O. *T.O. has never met a marshmellow he didnt like. *T.O. shot both the sheriff, the deputy and 4 of the 9 bullets that hit Fitty. *Sara Lee does it bike T.O. *T.O. is in ]STA[ *T.O. passes at all yield signs. Theres nothing for him to yield to. *T.O. dueled with 17 different presidents. He never lost- and always used a football. *If T.O. doesn't like food at a restaurant, he calls his own T.O. *T.O. left the Philadelphia Eagles, he said Andy Reid was too busy checking out his ass to coach a football team. *It turns out Ring around the rosy is a real game. T.O. recalls winning continuously as a child. *When Moses parted the Red Sea, T.O. was at the other side already calling him a fag. *T.O. pulled out a cell phone in the end zone one time. He was on the phone with god *T.O. is the only thing that can gang-bang people by himself *The devil and tom walker was based loosely on events that took place during T.O.'s time at a monastary. *The light at the end of the tunnel is T.O.'s diamond studs shimmering with hope. *T.O. doesnt "Follow the drinking gourd", the drinking gourd follows T.O. *T.O. thinks that Patriots made a bad choice drafting Diet Pepsi machine. *T.O. is a christian scientist. His faith in god is so powerful he can recover from all wounds. He believes in himself that much. *T.O. doesnt need a blender to get a baby into a tupplewear container. *T.O. doesnt need to sleep, but he can if he is with at least 2 beautiful women. *No man can see T.O.'s entire penis. One day as a child T.O. saw it and went blind. Good thing T.O. can cure blindness. *Every time T.O. masterbates God kills a terrorist *T.O. doesnt like to be confused with Chuck Norris. *T.O.'s penis has killed more people then Ted Kennedys car. *T.O. coined the phrase "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" when he went and got a shot and suffocated the doctor with an apple. He had to punish the doctor for putting medicine in T.O.'s body, which is strictly forbidden. *T.O. has made a calendar for every year until the apocalypse, and T.O. DEFINETLY knows when the apocalypse is *The apocalypse is the day T.O. forgets to spike the earth, spin it around and do the dirty bird as he must each millenia *T.O. is the only human who is actually capable of creating anything from a package of paper clips and a fetus *T.O. has everything he's ever wanted *T.O. has everything ever made *Condoleeza Rice doesn't think frogs exist. *Mount St. Helens was the governments cover story when T.O. ate too many OCB tacos. *T.O. invented run and gun when he started to get bored with real football *T.O. loses and gains an average of 30,932 pounds a day *T.O. can smell what the rock is cookin, and he's confident that he is the superior chef. *Hiroshima wasn't a bomb, it was T.O. pissed at Japan because it wouldnt give him head. *Only T.O. can heat up a burrito long enough so it is even too hot for T.O. Then only T.O. can eat it. *T.O. invented whispering. *When T.O. says "penny for your thoughts", he means it, and walks away with your brain. T.O. never gives you a penny. *Ignorance isn't bliss, T.O. is *An apple was once stolen from T.O.'s garden. Thus was the creation of original sin. *T.O. CAN believe it's not butter, but he can't believe it's not T.O. *T.O. denounced Webster's dictionary when they refused to give T.O. a definition. But then he realized that T.O. could not be defined, and all was once again right with the world *When T.O. flaps his wings doing the dirt bird, it causes an Earthquake in Asia. Thus, the butterfly effect. *When T.O. makes powerpoint presentations, grown men cry. *Most men can't think with their brain and their penis at the same time- T.O. is baffled at thought of doing only one at a time. *T.O. was once playing football in the street with old friend jerry rice, when he was hit by a 18 (robin) wheeler, struck by lightning, shot in the chest, and peppersprayed by a nearby pedestrian. When all believed T.O. was dead, they turned to the site of T.O. signing Hugh Heffner's ballsack down the street, football in hand. *when T.O. walks around the city, he walks in perfect lines, and turns at perfect 90 degree angles. *Everyones always asking T.O. about his love life- and he keeps saying- theres only been on person in the picture from day 1: T.O. *When T.O. gets the new madden each year he immediately goes to create a player mode and creates T.O. He lines T.O. up with perfect stats. Asked about terrell owens, T.O. laughs and says "who?" *T.O. never watches porn, he just watches himself wack off in the mirror. *T.O. isnt arrogant, he's realistic. *T.O. doesnt want to go to hall of fame. He knows where the only true hall of fame is- the hall that leads to his bedroom. *In every Jell-o commercial with bill cosby, T.O. can be found in the backround beating off into mrs. cosby's mouth. *There was a legitimate legal debate after the premier of the matrix- regarding whether or not Neo or T.O. was "the one". Producers assured T.O. that the matrix was hypothetical and that Neo could not actually pull of the tricks shown on screen. T.O. responded by dropping his pants and playing the biggest violin ever seen. *T.O. once brought peace to Israel. But it ended shortly after he asked to be traded. *When Hitler thought out his "Blonde hair, verde eyes" super race, he forgot that T.O. lacks both traits. He then realized his race was not all that super after all. *T.O. can put an end to the "song that never ends". *T.O. does not like making love at midnight at the dunes of the cape. He loves making love anytime. *T.O. demands that every cake he eats has to contain a stripper. *In order to join T.O.'s frat house, you must beat T.O. in a thumb war. T.O. is still the only member. *T.O. inadvertantly caused the dust bowl when he dusted his trophy room. *To this day, all participants in the game of Quiddich remove thier pants and the face north in honor of T.O. before each match. *T.O. never goes the extra mile for customers. They go the extra mile for T.O. *Due to the size of her lips, T.O. is certain that angleina Jolie is black. *Many years ago, when the Sphinx was babysitting a young T.O., the Sphinx decided to play "got your nose" with T.O. Although T.O.'s nose was returned, T.O. still has the Sphinx's in his possession. *Scruff McGruff took a bit out of crime. T.O. took a bite out of Scruff McGruff as an april fools joke. *Each time a team burns a timeout, a little bit of T.O. dies. *T.O. gives T.O. two thumbs up. *T.O. found the "lost levels" of Mario while searching for the ark of the covenant. *T.O. is cool with racism. He knows there are no racial slurs for T.O.s *T.O. expects the Spanish Inquisition. *Paul Revere had a back up plan. 1 if by land. 2 if by sea. 3 to let T.O. deal with it. *T.O. gave birth to most "Sour Patch Kids", every color erexcept Orange. No one knows his reasons for doing so. *T.O. was the person behind the Yellow Wallpaper. *T.O. is the proud owner of the "Crazy Glock Infinity Plus" *T.O.'s semen doubles as Crazy Glue. *No one can hear you scream in space. T.O. regularly screams in space for all to hear. *Blood is squeemish around T.O. *For every reaction, there is a superior and opposite T.O. *T.O. could would make 9 million a year no matter what job he did. He only chooses to play football so the mexicans don't get discouraged. *T.O. is the only pure element. *T.O. isnt black, hes chocolate *T.O. once found a magic lamp, he rubbed it, and T.O. popped out. *T.O. jumps on people in the city and coins come out of their ass. *When you get only 121 stars in Mario 64, T.O. is dissapointed. *T.O. had a nightmare once.... *Ang Lee cast T.O. to star in Brokeback Mountain. But then he realised that T.O. was too realistic. *one day T.O. was watching commercials and got bored, so he invented t.v shows *Muslims everywhere LOVED it when T.O. drew Allah, thus inventing the self portrait. *T.O. doesnt take bubble baths, bubble baths take T.O.'s. *T.O. doesnt take shits in the toilet- he takes shits around the house because they smell great. *T.O. reads hieroglyphics pretty well, and is known to hang around museums laughing at old egyptian jokes. *When someone doesnt let T.O. cut them in line- he calls a T.O. He then proceeds to flex his muscles so hard that they glow. *T.O. hasnt missed a nuff said concert. *T.O. coined the phrase balls to the walls after he literally taped his balls to the berlin wall while it was being taken down. He doesnt remember why he did it, but recalls it as a liberating erexperience. *T.O. stopped buying lucky charms when they added the stars. *T.O. has a burning passion to build a bird house once every 3 years. When this passion arises- T.O. builds birdhouses that make martha stewart drop top and howl like an ape giving birth to a rhino *it's because of T.O. that it's Black History Month, not Black History Week. *On the seventh day, God rested. T.O. called him a pussy. *Condoleeza Rice is 1337 years old. Hes been that old forever *When God invented the Universe, T.O. yelled "Finally you fucking Jew" and killed God. Luckily, T.O. always survives his own suicides. *The Great Depression actually refers to the momment that every human being finds out T.O. did not win that year's MVP award. *T.O. named the football the football. People protested but T.O. held his ground. This all took place while T.O. was wearing a beautiful green blouse *Contrary to popular belief, T.O. has never spilled the blood of an innocent virgin. Because in T.O.'s mind, virgins are not innocent. *Some people sleep with a gun under their pillow. T.O. just sticks a picture of himself under his. *T.O. not only knows how many licks it takes to get the center of a tootsie pop, but knows the exact circumpherence of each individual pop. *T.O. is still the only man to sucessfully infiltrate 4 ant hills in one day. *The song "Stuntin 101" was written by T.O. after his best game of "Crazy Taxi". *Every time a woman sees T.O. it is an instinctive reaction for them to pull down his pants and suck his dick for 30 days and 30 nights. Hence the movie 30 Day and 30 Nights. *T.O. is actually santa claus, and finds it entertaining that kids think that hes a fat old white man. *T.O. sucessfully dug a hole to China. *Regardless of what Emmit Smith says, T.O. is Emmit Smith *T.O.'s car killed Ted Kennedy. *T.O. wore "Full Metal Jacket" to his senior prom. *Cubone and Marowak wear skulls that hide their faces becuase they are ashamed that they do not look bike T.O. *Home Depot: You can do it, T.O. has no intention of helping. *Columbus' critics were partially right, the world was flat. Then T.O. fell off the edge on his morning jog. From that day on, the world was round. *T.O. wrote "Take Up the White Man's Burdon" shortly after he forced Atlas to hold up the earth in retailation for Atlas' unpaid Blackjack debts. *T.O. always saves a seat for his imaginary friend. His Imaginary friend is named Wesley Snipes. *While in prison, Jesus found T.O. *Back when T.O. went to highschool, a firedrill wasnt too big a deal. However, teachers recall having white knuckles thinking about T.O. calling a T.O. *Sometimes T.O. worries about.. oh no, he doesn't. TO. is self-assured. *One time, T.O. made up his own language. It was called "english". *When T.O was born, he was the weakest of the litter. How things have changed... . *T.O. chooses his battles. And he only chooses the ones he can win. T.O. chooses every battle. *T.O. actually is the Burger King. And he mans Wendy. *T.O. lifted up the sun. *You can't spell Totalitarian, Tough, Totally and Life without T.O. *T.O. farts noble gas. *T.O. shits ice cream. *Rammstein has written multiple songs about T.O. - Halleluja and Engel are the most prominent. *Jack Sparrow did not rope sea turtles, nor did he barter passage on a ship, to get off the spit of land he was marooned on. He got off because he still owed T.O. a ship. *Dragula was written about T.O.'s only nightmare, in which the power of things could be compared to his own on an unbroken scale. *Every time Numa Numa (Mai-ia-hii) is played, T.O. eats a Romanian. *Sephiroth never dies because he is T.O.'s favorite marionette doll. T.O. always fixes him. *Mortal Kombat was based roughly on T.O.'s style of playing with action figures. Yes, they move that way, but only for T.O. *The Godfather was T.O.'s way of telling the world that Italian food is worth eating. *T.O. CAN touch it, no matter what MC Hammer says. *Neither Tupac nor Biggie were killed by the other's "people" or anyone else. T.O. simply got bored of them. *Only the good die young, unless T.O. decides otherwise. *God did not create the world in 7 days. T.O. did, and then he created a cover story. He called it the Bible. Also, he didn't rest on the seventh day, he was doing the very first dirty bird and spike to start the world spinning, as well as collecting the light he had made and putting it into a dense ball he considered to be his male child. *It was T.O. and not the Force that guided the missiles which destroyed the Death Star. *T.O. takes two cubes of Anglo-Saxon in his coffee. *Doug never beat bop it. T.O. attended FFF. *T.O. has the patience to chew each chiclet in a package individually until it loses its flavor. *When T.O. plays Counter-Strike, he gets his weapons for free. *T.O. always gets headshots. With the rocket launcher, the wraith, even the energy sword. He can also drive a hog and fire the turret at the same time. *T.O. built Stonehenge. While his coffee was brewing. *When someone says "I'd hit it", chances are T.O. already has. And if he hasn't, you probably don't actually want to. *T.O. taught Yoda everything Yoda talked, except English, which Yoda learned from a samurai. *The Loch Ness monster is real, because T.O. created it. *T.O. knows whether Bigfoot is real or not, but refuses to tell. *T.O. not only knows what's in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction, but was the one who put it there. *Chicken Run was written by T.O. about a game he used to play with his captured Mexicans. *T.O. has a pet ninja. *T.O. raped my one day. It changed the life of the world, and only T.O. knows how. *When T.O. sings, its over for the Fat Lady. *T.O. still thinks hes the only one who can "smell a pig from a mile away" regardless of what Kid Rock says. *Although unconfirmed, there are many rumors saying the I.Q. test failed the T.O. test. *T.O. refuses to cite his sources. *T.O. is faster then a Jew with a coupon. Nazi's everywhere are baffled. *T.O. taught Michael Jordan the "Air Jordan." *T.O. doesnt need to update his myspace, the mental pictures he has taken leap from his brain into his computer. *T.O. can drive a golfball 450 yards with a 9 iron. *Adriana Lima is hot. However, she is the result of T.O. taking a shit in the shower. *T.O. travels to Tijuana every month, and makes his way across the boarder wearing bright green running gear. Thats what T.O. calls fun. *T.O. once punched his mother so hard at the dinner table that she shat out old tax records. *T.O. once punched Mel Gibson so hard that he shat out a hybrid platinum copy of "What the Patriot Wants" *T.O. wrote the best seller "Ti-83's for young jewish boys". Sam Erb is a proud owner. *T.O. doesnt celebrate Thanksgiving. He celebrates his left bicep. For Christmas he celebrates his right bicep. And celebrates his massive dick for the rest of the year. *T.O. painted a perfect portrait of Andy Reid's ass before he had even joined the eagles. *T.O. was 4 pounds, 4 oz at birth (as Doug spoke of). Two weeks later, he was beating the shit out of his 4 year old brother. *Even marty is speechless when T.O. calls a T.O. *Van Helsing was a loosely built around a short story T.O. wrote in spanish at the age of seven, titled: "callate" *T.O.'s balls are perfectly alligned. *When T.O. pulled down his pants at the doctors as a child- crowds of doctors gathered around the stare at it for hours. *T.O. isnt allowed to plumb in 8 states. There is no explanation why. *T.O. is proof that not all men are created equal. Because even if it were possible, T.O. would never create someone as awe-inspiring as himself. *T.O. is a five time Pro-Bowler. *T.O. underwent successful surgery by foot and ankle specialist Dr. Mark Myerson in Baltimore on 12/22/04. After a remarkable rehab process, T.O. returned to the field for Super Bowl XXXIX vs. NE (2/6) where he notched a team-leading 9 receptions for 122 yds. just 46 days after surgery. *T.O. was named 1st team All-Pro by the Associated Press, Pro Football Weekly, and All-NFC. *T.O.s' jersey sales rank 5th among NFL players, trailing only Brett Favre, Hammett Vick, Tom Brady, and teammate Donovan McNabb. *T.O. holds one charity very near and dear to his heart, the Alzheimer's Association. His family is personally touched by Alzheimer's as his grandmother, Alice Black, is afflicted by the disease. In order to feel find a cure, he has served as the celebrity chairperson for the Alzheimer's Association and even addressed Congress in 2003 to request more funding for Alzheimer's research. *T.O. also had a humble beginning in sports. He didn't start on his high school team until his senior year and had to be convinced not to quit the sport by his coach. He wouldn't have been recruited to play at Tennessee-Chattanooga if it weren't for a teammate who brought college coaches to watch their games. *T.O. also had to wait for the first 5 seasons of his pro career to become "the guy," while playing in the shadows of All-World WR Jerry Rice. *When you see T.O., two gentlemen are usually not far behind, "Coop" and "Pablo." He calls them his confidants and truest friends. Pablo (a.k.a. Carlos Cosby) is an imposing presence, but also adds the levelest of heads. Coop (a.k.a. Theron Cooper) is the light-hearted one in the group. Said T.O. of his buddies, "Coop keeps me laughing and upbeat, while Pablo keeps things organized." *T.O. is heterosexual. Everyone else is T.O.sexual. *Contrary to popular belief T.O. did NOT let the dogs out. *T.O. did not let the dogs out, but did call a T.O. when he heard they were let out. The dogs were found shortly after. *T.O. drinks approreximately 500 industrial drums of motor oil per day to keep T.O. a "well oiled machine." *T.O. calls Bwe'll Gates for tech support. *T.O. does everyones dick. *T.O. discovered the road less traveled, and paved the other one. *T.O. knows how to convert energy into matter using a toothpick and the blood of a virgin. *Jesus was really crucified because he tried tickling T.O., and T.O. couldn't stop laughing. *The vice president works for the president, the president works for the country, the country works for T.O., but T.O. works lollipops and Big Macs. *T.O. invented the space pen thirty years before columbus discovered the world was round and kept it to himself all this time just to piss off nasa. *T.O. was the real person who came up with the Y2K scare, and he did it just to fuck with everyone. *The last time someone used the personal pronoun "you" when talking to T.O. he cried for a week. *T.O. sucks the blood out of mosquitos. *People pay billions of dollars each year for tickets to stand next to T.O. on the off chance he asks them to suck his dick. *T.O. created the KKK out of self hatred *T.O. created "leapfrog" after he bet Superman that being "able to leap a tall building in a single bound" isnt so hard. *T.O. created the T.O. Fact out of a moment of humbleness in which he decided to make himself seem less great than he actually is. *Much like James Blunt, T.O.'s life is brilliant. But when he writes songs about it, they're awesome. *T.O. invented the SUV, to see who is using up all of Barney's friends in their gas-guzzling ho-mobiles *T.O has a boner right now *T.O. is fear itself, so all we have to fear is T.O.....We should be really afeared. *T.O. gave the tigers their stripes *Trench warfare was really an analogy for when T.O. couldn't decide between jacking off or fisting a child. *When the Founding Fathers wrote "All men are created equal", what they meant was that T.O. creates all men to be inferior to him, but equally inferior. *They say you can't have your cake and eat it too. T.O. can do whatever the fuck he wants *When asked to describe T.O. in one word. Frankie Perry answered, "Goofy". It was a woefully inadequate assessment. *T.O. cannot be surprised, as he anticipates everything. Yet, in an act of incredible charity, T.O. still continues to love others, despite their lack of the ability to throw him a surprise party.